Over 30 years ago my mother, a vibrant elementary school teacher, suffered a catastrophic brain hemorrhage.  My husband and I were almost instantly on a plane to be with her and the family.  Several weeks later she passed away at the age of 58.  We were all in shock.

After the Celebration of Life service, I returned to work immediately because I didn't want to burden others with the work that was mine to do.  And quite honestly, the work kept my mind off my loss.  During the first few days back at work, my colleagues would remark with admiration at my dedication and also wonder aloud how I was managing.  I mostly kept my emotions to myself and my nose to the grindstone. 

Sooner or later, something unexpected is going to happen that will throw you for a loop.  It could be the loss of a loved one, an illness that sidelines you or a disaster that upends your life.  When you're leading a team or organization and this happens to you, of course you're going to shift your focus to meet to your personal challenge.  Yet, as a leader, you can't just ghost your team members.

Looking back on my own situation, here are 3 things that I could have done better immediately after my mom's death. 

Be Transparent
As soon as possible, let your team know the impact of what is going on.  Be as specific as you can because, as human beings, we tend to fill in the gaps when we're not given enough information.  Saying things such as "This is really hard" or "I am really hurting" reminds your team that you are human which creates deeper relationship bonds.  Of course, unbridled anger and frustration can have the opposite effect, so be mindful of how you share your emotions.

Ask for Help
Resist the urge to act as if nothing has happened and that you will carry on as usual.  Depending on the situation, you may not be able to promptly return to work, so asking for help with work tasks and, as appropriate, with personal matters is essential.  Asking for help is a key resiliency and a sign of strength.  As I share with my clients regularly, people are generally honored to be asked to help. 

Embrace Flexibility
Processes, procedures and schedules are great tools for organizations and teams.  When done well they allow for both effectiveness and efficiency.  As the COVID pandemic showed us, however, adjustments are necessary to respond to new realities.  As you navigate a personal challenge, remain open to new ways (if only temporary) of doing your work, of making decisions on what work gets done and of how your team will support both you and the organization.   

Please know that I'm aware that every situation is different and that the impact and duration of personal challenges varies widely.  And that it's equally important to take care of yourself and those you love.  You may also discover, as I did, that consulting with a coach or mental health professional can be extremely helpful going forward.

I also know that, as a leader, you set the example for those you lead.  How you handle a personal challenge will demonstrate to your team members how they work with you and their colleagues when they face a personal challenge. 

"A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way."  ~John Maxwell 

About the Author

Gayle Ely is a Leadership Coach, Trainer and Facilitator who believes Passionate Leadership can change the world. She works with business and non-profit leaders and service entrepreneurs to help them perform more effectively so they and their businesses can thrive.

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