The phone rang and when I saw who was calling, I almost let it go to voice mail.  But I didn't.  I picked up and the first words I heard were "I apologize".  I immediately wanted to downplay what had happened; say it was no big deal; and blurt out the two words that I'm accustomed to saying when someone apologizes - "No worries". 

But this was different. 

24 hours earlier
As the team leader, I'd decided it was time to address the disruptive behavior.  The behavior had persisted for some time and was impacting me and the team. 

I had carefully planned the conversation. I wanted to maintain a healthy balance of compassion and accountability, so I started with "I'm concerned.  We need to talk about your recent behavior." 

Before I could say more, I listened to a 30 minute emotion-filled monologue of life challenges, including ways in which I and other team members had offended or frustrated them. 

Needless to say, this wasn't what I'd planned for.  Being a person who is pre-disposed to rationality, I observed in myself the desire to counter every accusation with my version of the truth.  And although there were a couple of times I gently pushed back on obvious misinterpretations, I mostly listened and responded with words such as "That's sounds really difficult" and "I'm sorry that happened". 

As the team member's energy wound down, I realized that we weren't going to resolve the issue in that moment.  I also knew that I couldn't just drop my concerns.  So, I suggested that we pick a date and time to talk again.

As I reflected on the conversation, of course, I wondered what I could have done differently.  I also realized that my mental fitness practice which, through the years, has strengthened my ability to create space between what is happening and my response, prevented that conversation from escalating into a confrontation.

The next morning my phone rang, and the first words I heard were

"I apologize". 

It took great courage for the team member to say those two words.  And I instinctively knew that if I brushed off or minimized the incident, I would not be honoring that courage.

My reply was also two words. 
Two words that honored both the courage of the apology and acknowledged the seriousness of the situation.

"Apology accepted."

That simple exchange of two words, was like hitting the "reset" button.  A few days later we were able to re-start our conversation and alleviate some pressure by adjusting some team responsibilities.  

The remarkable result of that uncomfortable conversation was a deeper understanding of that team member's situation and, ultimately, a resolution that worked for everyone. 

One of the hardest jobs of a leader is to address behavior that is disrupting the team. 

As a leader, you can't avoid the difficult conversation just because you can't predict or control the outcome. 

That is why I'm thankful to have invested time and energy in an ongoing mental fitness practice.   For years now, it has truly helped me create more success with less stress.

If you want to learn more about my 8 week Mental Fitness Bootcamp, click the button below.

Learn about the 8 Week Mental Fitness Bootcamp

About the Author

Gayle Ely is a Leadership Coach, Trainer and Facilitator who believes Passionate Leadership can change the world. She works with business and non-profit leaders and service entrepreneurs to help them perform more effectively so they and their businesses can thrive.

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