How People Pleasing Can Sabotage Your Leadership
He promises a deliverable in order to please a customer and then repeatedly misses the target date.
She makes good suggestions on how things could be improved and then takes it personally when her suggestions can't be implemented quickly.
The leader is conflict avoidant and loath to address performance issues with a team member when the stakes are high.
All of these are all examples of what is meant by "people pleasing" behavior.
People pleasing behavior stems from a leader's desire to be liked. And who doesn't want to be liked. In fact, the collective leadership wisdom says that leadership success is built on developing relationships with those you lead. And yet, as leaders, it's vital that we maintain a healthy concept of self so that we don't lean on those we lead to bolster our self worth.
It may seem counterintuitive, however, one way to do this is to understand how those entities called "Saboteurs" come onto the scene. Saboteurs (Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine) behave as internal "bad ass" insurgents. They are a set of automatic and primitive mind patterns, each with its own voice, beliefs and assumptions that work against what's actually needed in the moment.
The examples I shared in the opening describe how the Pleaser Saboteur might influence a leader's approach. The Pleaser Saboteur partners with the Judge Saboteur to regularly remind the leader that they're not good enough unless they're continually helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others.
Imagine how this thought pattern impacts the ability to lead. Hustling for your worth, seeking to win affection and assurances from others and being attached to outcomes based solely on how they reflect on you are not conducive to effective leadership, particularly when it comes to making hard decisions and taking tough action.
So how does it help to recognize your Saboteurs when they show up?
Saboteurs are your childhood protectors who have overstayed their welcome. They are stealthy in their efforts to help and often present themselves as your friend.
Because Saboteurs prefer to do their work largely behind the scenes, when you become adept at observing and identifying your Saboteurs, you immediately lessen their destructive power and soften their voice. For example, if the Pleaser Saboteur shows up and whispers, "If you don't say yes to that person, they won't like you", your immediate recognition of this as a Saboteur will allow you to challenge the statement and more appropriately process the situation.
So, what if the Pleaser Saboteur isn't your nemesis? The truth is we all have Saboteurs. The master Saboteur is The Judge who continually finds fault wherever it may be found - with self; with others; with circumstances. Much of the guilt regret, shame and disappointment we experience is generated by the Judge. The same with much of our anger and anxiety.
In addition to the Pleaser, the Judge has up to 8 Accomplice Saboteurs - the Avoider, the Controller, the Hyper-Achiever, the Hyper-Rational, the Hyper-Vigilant, the Restless, the Stickler and the Victim. Any of these seem familiar to you?
Learning to recognize your Saboteurs is step 1 of 3 steps in the practice of Mental Fitness. I offer an 8 week Mental Fitness Bootcamp to jump start the process of quieting your Saboteurs and accessing the 5 Sage powers that allow you to generate the best results with the highest level of personal satisfaction, peace of mind and happiness. How does that sound?
The Mental Fitness Bootcamp can be arranged for individuals, teams and organizations.
What to know more? Click here.
Want to learn about your Accomplice Saboteurs? Take a free assessment here.
Passionate Leadership Pillar #1:
Deep Appreciation for Self and Others
Learn more about Passionate Leadership here.
About the Author
Gayle Ely is a Leadership Coach, Trainer and Facilitator who believes Passionate Leadership can change the world. She works with business and non-profit leaders and service entrepreneurs to help them perform more effectively so they and their businesses can thrive.
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