Stop Trying to Measure Up
A few years back, my niece graduated from high school. It was a time to celebrate, and yet I felt sad and weepy. The first words I thought to write in my journal that day were, “What’s wrong with me?”
What about you? When your response to an event seems incongruent with what's going on, how do you respond?
"What's wrong with me?" may seem like an appropriate question, but what you're really doing is getting out a measuring stick. The funny thing about this particular measuring stick is that it has only two measurements-right and wrong. And if you're like me, more often than not, you end up on the “wrong” end of the stick. You start to believe you don’t measure up.
The next thing that happens is you start “shoulding” yourself, so you can feel “right” again. I should be happy; I should be doing something different; I should be a better _____ (you fill in the blank).
The problem with “shoulding” yourself, is that you never ask the most important question
“What’s really going on?”
With this question there’s no measuring stick, no right or wrong, only an opportunity to reflect and observe. There’s so much to be gained and you might be surprised by the result. If you’re feeling out of sorts, it might be because
You’re doing something that is not in alignment with who you really are
You’re challenged by limiting thoughts that prevent you from moving forward
You’re allowing external forces (friends, family, colleagues, the media) to unduly influence you
Whatever the case, identifying the source of your dissonance is the first step to getting back on track.
On the day of my niece’s graduation, the first words I actually wrote in my journal were,
“Don’t ask what’s wrong, instead get curious about what’s really going on.”
When I reflected on this question, I realized that graduation day was also my mother’s birthday. She always wanted grandchildren and passed before they were born. She always loved to celebrate milestones and would definitely have been there for the graduation. So, of course, I was missing her and wishing she could be part of the celebration.
I allowed myself to get at the source of my feelings and as a result felt whole and human instead of like I wasn’t measuring up.
From asking "What's Wrong?" to asking "What's Going On?"
What difference could that shift make for you and for your leadership?
About the Author
Gayle Ely is a Leadership Coach, Trainer and Facilitator who believes Passionate Leadership can change the world. She works with business and non-profit leaders and service entrepreneurs to help them perform more effectively so they and their businesses can thrive.
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